If only the whole apartment was air conditioned...

I was talking to Joe yesterday and he made a reference to my "new life." And the phrase struck me funny because I don't quite feel like I have a new life. I just feel like I'm me, displaced. God, that sounds depressing. I mean, most of the elements are there. I live in an apartment in a neighborhood I really like. I've made friends at local haunts. Yeah, they're employees, but they still count [laughs]. I'm gaining a deeper understanding of the subway system all the time. I've even started walking faster, much to my chagrin. I don't have a job. So there's a puzzle piece I need to fit. But I do have an internship, which feels like a job, even if I'm not getting paid. Plug in another two days, and I have a 9 to 5 in midtown Manhattan. And a salary. I'd have to plug in one of those too. On the upside, rarely do I leave the apartment without something strange, interesting, or darkly humorous happening. I do glean joy from that. There were many days in Vermont where I'd leave the apartment and absolutely nothing would happen.

I guess that I feel like my life right now is made up of a bunch of pieces that don't quite fit together. Financial security would probably help eradicate that feeling, but I don't think it would fix it entirely.

... You know what it is? I think I just put my finger on it:
I don't really feel like anything I have right now is mine.

My apartment isn't really my apartment. It's Kevin and Amelia's home, and as lovely as it is, nothing here is mine except for what's in the space I'm paying for. And even that is sparse. My internship was gotten for me by my old professor. It's not something I worked to get. The people I socialize with are on loan to me from my sister, and even though I have a lot of fun, everyone's a decade older than me. And they've known me since I was 10. Even younger, in some cases. The money I have is from a nest egg that I didn't save up for, but won in a court settlement when I was 13. A lawsuit that was filed by my mother when I slipped and cut my hand on a kitchen appliance. Don't get me wrong. I've worked hard to get to where I am, and I think I've done a damn good job, when all is said and done. But for some reason, I've been feeling like all of this is lacking substance as of late.

Like, "Good, Hilary. You wanted to be here. Now you're here. So what now?"
Maybe it's just NYC. I'm not the type who dresses everyday to be noticed and I can't seem to engage in the constant, cut-throat, rat race that everyone seems to be part of on a daily basis. Or maybe I just feel like I'm 24 and want to do bigger things. I wonder if there's a city out there with which I could fall in love...

ANYWAY.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote in this blog. Life is definitely moving much faster than it feels like it has been. I want to look back on this blog somewhere down the line and remember the journey. So I'm going to connect all the major dots. But I think I'll do it in a bulleted format so I'm not up until 4 a.m. [laughs].

• After much effort, I'm finally hooked on HBO's "Big Love."
• Sam came to visit. We had a blast. I spent way too much money. We discovered a mutual love for Mexican food, which oddly, in our almost two years of dating, we've never experienced together before. We also discovered a fiery passion for Mojitos and frozen Margaritas. We went out to eat at Keen's Steakhouse for Sam's birthday, where he had a $25 glass of scotch and I ordered a $50 cut of prime rib, which was seriously 28 oz. and about the size of my head. Last hugely expensive meal for a while. It would have been nice to cuddle more, as we hadn't seen each other in a month, but it was a scorching 95 degrees almost all week and it was often too hot to even hold hands. But at least we had Jen and Santino's place all to ourselves. 
• Daelynn came to visit the day after Sam left. We also had a ton of fun. And I once again spent too much money. The two big highlights that stand out in mind were going to see Avenue Q, which was fantastic, and going to a gay bar for the Fourth of July. Neither of us are gay, and so I felt a little like an impostor. But the evening was a blast. Piano bar upstairs, complete with show tunes, $4 Long Island Iced Teas, and all the rainbow and penis art you could ask for. Pumping techno night club downstairs, complete with nearly-naked, muscly, tan, hairless man dancing on a 3 ft. roped-off block in nothing but knee pads and a camo-print banana hammock G-string. Hilarious. Priceless. Why aren't regular bars that awesome? Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.
• I started my internship. I like it, I think. I'm being told I'm a really good copywriter, which is great news. I was a little afraid I wouldn't be. Mainly, I work in advertising right now, which is funny because I just spent three years learning about the evils of the advertising industry! Yay! 
• A pigeon unloaded on me at Union Square. Thankfully, it did not land in my hair, or even on my skin. Also at that moment, a commercial was being filmed, some crazy woman was fighting with a passerby who was screaming, "Lady, don't f*#&%^$ touch me!" and a guy was crawling past on his hands and knees, asking if he could take pictures of people's feet. I <3 NYC. 
• I spent a good chunk of the day today in an internet cafe. It didn't serve coffee, the walls were stark and white, the floor was made of industrial tile, and the toilet and the bathroom had no toilet seat, but at $3 per hour, the price was right. I applied to be a food & wine freelancer for a website through Craigslist. I think I'll go back and do more of the same tomorrow. World: give me some friggan' money. Please. Thank you. 
• We've been in a heat wave and I've been in crisis mode. Don't ever come to this city when it's hot. It sucks. Walking out of any building in Manhattan feels like entering a blow dryer. It's just awful. Finally, I broke down and bought an air conditioner. Santino installed it, increasing the quality of my life by about 110%. Until I get a peek at the next utility bill [laughs]. 

I think that's about all I've got for now. I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to retreat to my nice, cool bat cave and catch some Zzz's.